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PROGRAMMING REALITY
I've always had what I believe are minor psychic abilities. Nothing
earth-shattering, like knowing about a plane crash, or useful, like
point spreads. My "gift" usually manifests as an affirmation - stuff
like 'knowing' that the network was going to green light a friend
of mine's pilot, or that another friend's bid on a house would be
accepted. While these positive premonitions are arguably 98% deductive
reasoning, still I can't remember ever being wrong about one.
Similarly, I've written a number of what I thought were jokes that
proved to contain the seeds of prophecy. The first was a death penalty
routine, about being against it because of my belief in reincarnation.
My solution was life imprisonment, followed by life support. Hook
'em up to machines and use them for organ farming. The big punch
line was: "Three strikes, and your liver's out!"
About three years after I started doing this joke, I found out
that the People's Republic of China has ("allegedly") started removing
organs from executed prisoners. Coincidence, or clairvoyance - who's
to say? (although, with their godless disrespect for copyright law
it's entirely possible that they simply stole my act).
Next, there was my brilliant book idea: I'd place the following
personals ad in papers across the country, then publish the replies:
"Man trapped in woman's body seeks woman trapped in man's body for
cross-gender transplants and long walks". I forgot all about it
until a couple years later, when I read that a husband and wife
(suspiciously enough, in China) had switched genders after 25 years
together, and remained married (expanding
the meaning of the word "commitment", not to mention "boredom").*
Now, just six or eight weeks ago I find out I'm about to lose another
potential revenue stream. Back when the webcam phenomenon first
exploded, I suggested that there were already several networks-worth
of programming ready to go online in the form of prison surveillance
systems. With over 2 million men and women doing time under the
watchful eye of hundreds of integrated security cameras, the possibilities
are endless. Imagine spending Christmas at Leavenworth, Easter in
Attica, Valentines Day in a lockdown at Pelican Bay. When it comes
to good, clean, voyeuristic fun, can Mandy and Misty's showercam
come close to San Quentin's?
But once again, absurdity is becoming reality. The legendary tough
love Sheriff of Maricopa County, AZ. (famed for his pioneering work
in the field of humiliation therapy) has just installed a 24-hour
jailcam which offers John Q. Public live shots from the booking
desk as fresh prisoners are processed through their final moments
on the outside. His goal, besides publicity, is to discourage would-be
criminals (at least those surfing the net) by webcasting these first
degrading moments of incarceration. But I wonder, with prison costs
at an all-time high, and the threat of a prolonged writer's strike
looming over network television, could the Penal TV floodgates be
about to open?
Which brings me to my most recent proposal: a reality programming
hybrid of "Millionaire" and "Survivor" called "Final Answer", featuring
terminally ill patients competing to win exotic assisted suicides
to be performed during the season finale, plus a million dollars
for each winner's estate to guarantee a send-off filled with loving
relatives, considerate friends, and the kindness of strangers.
Maybe it's premature to be concerned about my "second sight" here,
especially since assisted
suicide is currently illegal in all but one state.** Still,
in light of past events, I think I'll go ahead and register this
one with the Writer's Guild. With Kervorkian having already broken
the ice on "60 Minutes" - and garnered solid Nielsens in the process
- I've got a feeling time is on my side.
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